


ghosts of ours

by iridescentjaebum



Category: GOT7
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, M/M, Smut, almost too little to tag it as mature, just a little bit, super messy this time, things are messy again, yes angst is back
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-06
Updated: 2018-03-06
Packaged: 2019-03-28 00:11:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,352
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13892091
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iridescentjaebum/pseuds/iridescentjaebum
Summary: Do now, regret later – if this was a game, Mark and Jaebum would share a high score together. But if someone asked Jaebum, he’d say he regrets so many things in his life, one more won’t make any difference.





	ghosts of ours

**Author's Note:**

> hello, guess who's back, your resident angst dealer. hopefully this one won't be hacked, i've spent like a month writing this
> 
> my train of thought while writing this went from [this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=joObCxKlZfw) to [this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QXpBxnCkugs) and then finally to [this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iSmu81oOqtU), give them a try while reading, maybe it will add something to it.

When Jaebum was a kid, he wanted to be an astronaut.

Not because he was super into space and planets or something, he just really liked looking at the night sky. Jaebum has always been more of a type to prefer visual things – and the night sky in Seoul definitely has some visuals to offer.

Dark blue and black hues mixing together, spreading through the entire world; yellow and white small dots scattered all over the sky, charmingly blinking as if to lure Jaebum in. Without a doubt, it did lure Jaebum in – ever since he was a child, up until this day. Even the moon in Seoul looks bigger and prettier than anywhere else he’s ever been, in Jaebum’s humble opinion.

However, soon he realized that being an astronaut means dealing with a lot more than only night sky, and in the end it doesn’t even matter – Jaebum needs to constantly remind himself he’s not a kid and not even in Seoul anymore.

The sky in Los Angeles is okay too, sure – same colors, brightly shining stars, same moon. And yet it’s different, it _feels_ different and strange. To Jaebum, all of this is too unfamiliar, too foreign, just like everything else in this country even after a few weeks of desperate attempts to convince himself this place can be called home.

This city makes him feel small and lonely; like he’d be lost in the crowd, which seem to be way, way bigger than he’s ever seen in Seoul. Every time Jaebum has to remind himself that now he’s living in the States and things are different now, he imagines himself as an ant, small and barely visible in a country so far away from home, from places he’d find with his eyes closed.

Long story short, Los Angeles makes Jaebum feel vulnerable and powerless, and to him there’s no worse feeling. Perhaps that’s why he accepts his roommate’s offer to grab a drink or two after Jaebum’s last midterm of the semester – to prove to himself that he’s not weak and vulnerable and that he doesn’t feel lonely here.

That last midterm was particularly rough on him – mostly because the professor hates Jaebum, it seems, since he’s never into group discussions she loves to assign every class; the second reason being that he’s still struggling with academic language.

It’s not how it seemed to be at first, it’s not the same language he picked up a bit by bit while watching TV and listening to music, so to Jaebum, every class is approximately four times harder than for everyone else.

But in the end, he comes to a conclusion, nothing is ever like it seems at first in the States – that’s how a drink or two turn into a full-blown party at someone’s house with a bunch of frat guys and their girlfriends, leaving Jaebum almost completely sober and with a persistent feeling of being out of place… yet again.

He doesn’t really mind it though, not tonight, when with a cliché red party cup in his hand he’s sitting down on the porch of the house, longingly looking at the night sky again. It’s a pretty clear one that night, so it’s a bit of comfort after being forced to listen the best hits of 2014 and watch drunk people making out. There are a few people outside too, passing by and smiling at him, asking if he’s having fun; Jaebum smiles back and tells the party’s awesome, sometimes even gives a thumbs up but inside, he catches himself wondering how long it will take for him to stop pretending like he’s having fun.

It’s a little after midnight according to his phone, which Jaebum takes out of his pocket when he decides that he had enough of human interactions. He knows it’s sad and pitiful, pretending to be busy with a phone to avoid talking with people, yet he can’t help himself. He doesn’t know anyone here asides his roommate, and that one’s long gone somewhere, so as soon as some girls come up looking like they’re about to chitchat with him, Jaebum lets the panic kick in and presses the call on button on the first number he still has saved on speed dial to avoid making new friends.

It’s only around 5 PM in Seoul if he’s not mistaken, so he at least can be sure he’s not about to wake anyone up, just going to pay half of his monthly scholarship for an international call.

But that’s not his main concern right now – the person he’s calling to picks up after a few beeps and Jaebum immediately starts regretting.

“Is everything okay?” Youngjae’s voice sounds a little worried when he doesn’t hear anything coming out from Jaebum’s mouth, but the latter feels like paralyzed, watching how the girls, looking a little disappointed, walk away. “Jaebum, are you there?”

“Yeah, everything’s fine… I’m fine.” He finally says and hears a sigh in return. “I just wanted to… I just…”

He just _what_? Jaebum doesn’t know.

He wanted to feel okay for the night, like he wouldn’t be an alien in this country, where everyone treats him like some sort of exotic local attraction? He just wanted to try socialize at least once, so that he could say he tried his best and wouldn’t beat himself over it anymore, but utterly failed again?

He has no idea what exactly did he want.

It seems like Youngjae understands, but doesn’t comment on it, saving Jaebum some embarrassment for it to hit him in the face once he’s finally back to the dorms. He’s got a few hours left till then. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have called.” Jaebum finishes. He really shouldn’t have.

“It’s okay.” Youngjae says, but his words are slow and unsure as if he wouldn’t really know whether it’s okay or not. Jaebum hears something on the other end of the line, someone talking, music playing and another person laughing. Then it suddenly gets silent – Youngjae moves to a place a little quieter. “How are you doing? It’s late there, why are you still awake?”

Jaebum gets a little surprised that Youngjae knows the time difference between them off the top of his head, but decides not to hope that it’s because the younger guy cared enough to memorize it for him. “Things have been… hectic lately.” He trails off, not without some obvious awkwardness in his voice.

It’s the first time they’ve talked to each other in weeks, after all.

“I can only imagine.” Youngjae replies, and he tries to sound comforting, he really does; but it fails terribly and they both are aware of that. “Listen, Jaebum, I have to go. I’ll call you later, okay?”

Jaebum nods, for a moment forgetting that it’s not a video call and Youngjae can’t see him, then hangs up. He knows Youngjae won’t call him back, and the thought of it makes his heart both a little heavy and relieved at the same time. He’s not sure if he could handle it again.

Jaebum is about to stand up and either go inside to warm himself up, maybe drink a shot or two to loosen up a bit, or to just call a taxi to get out of here, because it’s getting late and he doesn’t want to fuck up his sleep cycle three days after he finally got it back to normal. Excruciating five weeks of insomnia caused by a thirteen hour red-eye flight and seventeen hours of time difference weren’t exactly the best weeks in his life.

He doesn’t manage to even move, however, because some dude appears next to him and grabs his hand, loudly saying, “Here you are, Kevin! I spent an _eternity_ searching for you!”

Jaebum’s face turns into a mixture of shock and horror as he’s trying to back away. The stranger looks around his age, his mop of dark blond hair is a little messy and his eyes are a little glassy, maybe from alcohol or weed. Neither of those options make Jaebum less terrified, especially when a totally wasted girl comes up to them – Jaebum remembers seeing her in the bunch who tried to approach him earlier.

“Listen, I told you I’m taken.” The blond guy shakes his and Jaebum’s entwined fingers in front of her eyes. “I’m not good at two-timing, so please leave me alone, okay?”

Jaebum gets a not so subtle punch into his ribs by the blonde’s elbow, and his first instinct is to play along, even though he’s not yet aware of what game they’re playing. “Yeah, you heard him.” He stutters.

The girl stares at them for a while, looking like she’s considering punching one of them (or maybe both, Jaebum is kind of bad at reading this kind of body language), but eventually just slurs some curses and goes away; probably to search for another love interest.

“That was close.” The guy next to Jaebum breathes out in relief, but Jaebum can’t bring himself to feel any sympathy.

“Can you let my go of my hand and explain what the fuck just happened?” he mumbles, feeling how fast his heart is beating.

The guy only then realizes he still has his fingers around Jaebum’s and immediately lets go, looking like he’s about to burst out in laughter, even though Jaebum doesn’t find anything funny about the situation. “Sorry. That girl kept hitting on me the entire evening even when I said I’m not interested, so I had to quickly come up with a plan, and then I saw you. My name is Mark, by the way.”

Under normal circumstances, Jaebum probably would be surprised or maybe even a little judgmental about this whole story, but these are not quite normal circumstances, and he’s more stunned by another thing – the fact that Mark is speaking fluent Korean to him. Sure, it’s a little slow as if he would be picking words instead of coming up with them naturally, but understandable nevertheless.

“You… speak Korean.” That’s the only obvious statement Jaebum’s lips can possibly say. He doesn’t care about the girl anymore, it’s like an instinct – to stick with people who speak the same language as he does.

“I do.” Mark confirms. “Homestay program when I was in high school, the family I lived with in Seoul didn’t know any English. Or so I thought until twelve months later, when my brain became a pile of mush from learning Korean for nine hours a day just to communicate with people, they said their goodbyes in the most fluent English I’ve ever heard. They told they wanted me to take everything I could from the program, so they decided I’ll learn the language faster if I don’t have any other choice.” He bitterly smiles, remembering how much sweat and tears he shed back then. “So yeah, my vocabulary might be a little rusty by now, but I heard you talking over the phone and decided you might be able to help me rid of my problems.”

Jaebum feels a little embarrassed by the fact that a total stranger heard him talking with Youngjae, even if Mark has no idea what he heard, so he decides to steer away from the topic. “You’re welcome for the help then, I guess. It did scare me a little, though.” _A whole lot_ probably would be a better description, but Jaebum isn’t about to tell him that.

Mark only smiles in response and asks, “Who are you here with?”

“Walter.” Jaebum says. He hasn’t seen his roommate for the bigger part of the evening, but he can’t say he terribly misses him. “I don’t know if you know him though.”

“Walter?” Mark frowns, trying to remember anyone named like that, what shouldn’t be a hard task considering the foreign sounding name, but it still takes a while. “The football Walter? The one who always takes the game a little too seriously and starts cursing at everyone in German? I’ve met him a few times.”

Jaebum starts laughing at Mark’s imitation of Walter’s hectic hand gestures and curses. “Yeah, the same one. We’re roommates.”

“Well, Walter’s now shitfaced and sleeping on one of the couches, no point in caring about him.” Mark concludes. “So we can ditch this place and get some food or something?” Jaebum’s eyes widen at this offer, because he and Mark are still basically strangers, so the latter adds, “I just want to repay you for the mess I dragged you into, so. There’s a Korean place ten minutes away from here and they work till quite late during weekends. If we move our asses, we might make it on time.”

He should refuse, Jaebum thinks, he definitely _would_ refuse if it was any other guy – he knows the guys here way too well already and he’s not interested in their bullshit. But it’s Mark, the only approachable link he’s found with Korea so far, so he doesn’t really need to think twice before nodding.

“Jaebum, by the way.” Mark gets a little confused at this, looking at Jaebum with a questioning stare until he explains. “You called me Kevin back there. My name’s Jaebum.”

Mark repeats it in his head a few times, letting himself to get used to a new name, then says, “Sorry for that too. Kevin is the name of my ex, so it probably just slipped out when I needed a name to call you.”

Jaebum is unsure how to feel both about being named after Mark’s ex and Mark being so nonchalant to openly tell it like that. But his stomach rumbles, reminding him he could really use some familiar spiciness to warm himself up, so he decides to neither judge nor question.

Mark is wrong, though – the Korean place is closed because it’s past 2 AM already, so he only vaguely gestures towards the McDonald’s they conveniently see in the distance and which actually works at this time of the day. Jaebum, although unimpressed and a little disappointed, agrees, because he’s seriously starving.

“So what brings you to States?” Mark asks, somewhere amidst wiping ketchup off his chin and Jaebum frowning at way too much onions inside his burger. “Exchange?”

The place is almost empty – it’s a little too early for people to hunt for some drunk food, so they can talk without being bothered by anyone, maybe asides a few loud girls who are still trying to decide what they want to eat even though they were already there when Mark and Jaebum came.

“Double diploma in business.” Jaebum mumbles after hiccup, because the cola is a little too cold, but he doesn’t want to wait for it to warm up a little. His eyes scan the place, and he decides it’s okay, but _only_ okay – it’s not cozy and he’s not even expecting a fast food place to look cozy; but at the same time he gets reminded of a place ran by a friendly old woman he’s used to go to in Seoul, and gets mad at himself that he just can’t deal with the fact that things are not the same anymore. “Two years in Korea, two years in a partner university, all that jazz.”

Mark smiles at him again, this time in a somewhat fatherly way, what Jaebum feels slightly offended by, but all he says is, “So you’re a smart one. And stuck here for a while, considering I haven’t seen you in the campus ever before, it’s only the first semester.”

“Yeah, it’s my fifth week.”

“And how’s the impression?”

Jaebum takes his time to finish his fries before answering. “Weird.”

That’s all he can say about this experience. One would think he’d have something more to add about a whole new country and culture, but Jaebum can’t think of any other description.

“I can imagine.” Mark understandingly nods. “You always miss home, miss even the food you’re used to. It feels like everyone you meet just _knows_ you don’t belong here as if it would be written on your forehead. Been there.”

That’s pretty much the entire summary of how Jaebum is feeling, so he nods with a shy but thankful nevertheless smile in response, not really eager to continue the topic. Mark probably has had enough hearing about how homesick Jaebum is.

“What about you though?” Jaebum asks, looking at his newly found friend sipping on a milkshake, what makes him smile a little, because who the hell drinks a banana milkshake with a burger at almost 3 AM? “What are you doing in life?”

For the first time Mark seems rather uncomfortable – his facial expression hardens and he says only, “Studying, hanging out. The usual college kid stuff.” Jaebum finds the shift in mood a little strange, but doesn’t mind it – maybe Mark is just not the type to talk about himself, and it looks like this hypothesis is true, as Mark shifts the topic back to him. “Aren’t there other Koreans in the campus, like… The ones you could hang out with so that you wouldn’t feel so homesick?”

Jaebum shakes his head. “Not the ones I could get close to, I guess, and none in my major. Seems like everyone wants something—“

“Something that wouldn’t be an ocean away from home, I guess I can understand them.” Mark finishes instead of him. “But then why did _you_ choose such a faraway place?”

Jaebum isn’t sure he knows it himself.

Scratch that – he _knows_ , but doesn’t want to admit it. It was a childish decision, a threat made in the heat of a moment, hurting more than one person in the process, and then there was no way back if he didn’t want to be a loser.

Sometimes, in the midst of the night, Jaebum thinks that he’s an idiot for rushing this much, but this long monologue inside his head isn’t suitable to answer Mark’s question, so he opts for a humorous, “Well, I like adventures.”

Mark clearly isn’t buying it, finishing his milkshake with a loud slurp, which gets attention from the previously mentioned bunch of girls. Mark ignores their dissatisfied snorts, and looking right Jaebum in the eye, tells, “Says the person who during the entire party was sitting outside on the porch clutching onto his phone like it’s a lifesaver. Or are you one of those, waiting for your lover to finally find some time to talk, so you check your phone every second?”

A wide smile doesn’t leave Mark’s lips the entire time, so he’s definitely not mocking Jaebum, but suddenly the latter feels like he’s about to return the burger and fries he just ate back onto the table. “I’m not.” He denies, a little too firmly for it not to sound suspicious.

“So whom were you talking with there?” Mark teasingly laughs, and Jaebum thinks he’ll stuff a straw from his cola up Mark’s nose if he won’t shut up.

“No one.” He defensively crosses his arms on his chest, but Mark doesn’t stop laughing, asking why Jaebum is stuttering all of a sudden, and the latter finally loses it. “It was my ex, okay? So please let’s drop the topic before I said something I don’t want to say right now.”

“Oh.” Mark’s not laughing anymore. He’s somehow aware he just crossed an unsaid line he shouldn’t have. “I didn’t meant to—“

“It’s okay.” Jaebum replies, not looking at him. An arrow someone carved into the table looks more interesting and easier to handle at this moment, as he feels slightly embarrassed. He probably sounded pretty rude, especially to a person whom he sees for the first time and who potentially wanted to be his friend. “It’s getting late, how about finishing the food and heading back to the dorms or whatever?”

Mark wordlessly nods, and they’re done in five minutes. Mark waits till Jaebum gets into a cab and disappears into the night after explaining that he doesn’t live in the dormitory, so he’ll be taking a different route.

Jaebum, sinking into the backseat of the cab, thinks how ridiculously tired he feels, and how the reason why he hates being in the States is probably not exactly what he imagines it to be.

 

The next time they meet it’s a rainy afternoon almost two weeks later, when Jaebum during a free period is running laps in the university stadium to get rid of thoughts that have been bugging him for a while already.

The mission is not exactly successful as Jaebum is exasperated for even thinking such things; bitter thanks to people around him, who are seemingly always all smiles and laughter; even the rain annoys him – it’s not even _rain,_ just a weird drizzle; neither rain nor not rain, once again so different from Korea, where at this time of the year rain usually falls in heavy streaks, _properly._

Sometimes, Jaebum thinks he should’ve done what Jinyoung did.

They’re in the same major, just the guy is one school year behind him, but went abroad earlier – the program they’re both in is flexible; eight semesters in total, four in Seoul, four wherever you decide, and you’re good to decide when you want to go, except for the first and last semesters.

So Jinyoung packed his bags as soon as his first semester ended and left to New York only to realize that he couldn’t blend in, it wasn’t meant for him. He didn’t think it’s that big of a deal, contrary to Jaebum, who would’ve rather flung himself off the nearest cliff – Jinyoung simply took his things again, canceled his learning agreement and took the earliest flight to Beijing.

More fine dust in the air, Jinyoung says, but at least he’s happy.

Jaebum also wants to be happy, but he also doesn’t want to be a loser who returns after a few months, incapable of living a few time zones away.

“Your shoelaces!” Words barely reach Jaebum’s ears while he’s basking in his not so bright thoughts. Shoelaces are his last concern up until the voice yells it louder and Jaebum finally snaps back to the reality – and the reality is that it’s too late to do anything about his untied shoelaces; he’s lying face first on the running track.

Loud series of the best Korean curses leaves his lips to help curse the pain out of his body, because he scratched his knee and both palms, but all Jaebum hears next to him is Mark’s laugh. “I told you to look at your shoelaces.”

Fortunately, he still has some shame to not only stand there and laugh, but also reach his hand out and help Jaebum stand up, even inspecting his palms to see how severe the damage is (not severe at all, only a few scratches, which should stop stinging eventually), much to Jaebum’s dissatisfaction.

It’s mostly because there are other people in the stadium and he doesn’t want to be babied in front of them, second – he doesn’t need help at all, so he tries to get his hands out of Mark’s just as persistently as the latter is trying to keep him still.

“What are you doing here?” Jaebum rolls his eyes, when Mark finally lets go of his palms.

“It’s a public place, Im. I can be here as much as you.” Mark answers. “But anyway, I was playing basketball with the guys over there.” He gestures to a bunch of dudes, all taller and bulkier than Jaebum will ever be, who are already packing and leaving. “Nothing like a nice game in the rain.”

“You call this rain?” Jaebum scoffs.

Mark only smiles, moving a strand of wet hair away from Jaebum’s forehead and embarrassing him yet again. “Your hair is wet, so I guess it is rain after all. Anyway, Im, I was wondering if you’d like to hang out later. I’m planning to watch some movies and after seeing you planting your face into the ground kind of thought whether your stray independent soul would like to join.”

Jaebum doesn’t want to agree right away, thinking that if he gives in immediately, it will mean that he’s desperate. So all he asks is, “Why do you insist on calling me by my last name?”

It looks like Mark was doing this on purpose, trying to provoke a desired reaction, so a grin lifts his lip corners up as he answers, “I only call my friends by their names, but seeing how successfully you’ve been avoiding me in the campus for the past weeks, I’m not sure if I can consider you one.”

Jaebum dramatically clutches his heart, saying that he hasn’t been avoiding anyone. Well, maybe except Walter, because that asshole clogged the toilet again and left it for the entire weekend while Jaebum was in a mandatory field trip for foreign students; and that Natalie girl from his International Economics class, who keeps leaving her phone number written on every notebook Jaebum leaves unattended, because she’s convinced he looks similar to one idol singer she loves.

But that’s only two people and Mark isn’t included in that list.

“Let’s count, shall we?” Mark raises his fingers up, counting Jaebum’s sins. “Last week in cafeteria you didn’t respond to my greeting. Earlier this week, you totally ignored me in the microeconomics seminar. Yesterday you almost walked into me in the corridors of Arts faculty and still didn’t bother to say hi. I’m almost offended.”

Jaebum frowns. He usually spends his classes extra focused, with his stare glued at lips of his professors – that way he’s sure he’s catching every word right, so it’s not a surprise he hasn’t noticed Mark there, he hardly could tell who’s sitting right beside him. And for other occasions he also has an excuse – he’s always with his earphones in (mostly to prevent other people from talking to him, even if sometimes Jaebum’s not even listening to music), so he didn’t pay much attention to his surroundings.

“How convenient.” Mark notes, but doesn’t seem terribly insulted. “So anyway. You can either repay me for these weeks of total indifference by watching a movie with me, or you can be stuck being called Im all the time, your choice.”

“I think I prefer being called Kevin, actually.” Jaebum laughs for the very first time in weeks. Though scratch that, it’s not the first time he laughs here, rather it’s one of the first times when he laughs _genuinely_.

“Oh, our Im knows what a joke is, shocking.” Mark replies with a dramatic gasp. “So what do you think? I probably could even let you pick the movie.”

Mark may have some strong persuasion skills, or maybe Jaebum is simply too deprived of watching sappy dramas and throwing snarky comments at the sight on the screen, so in the end he gives in. Mark tells Jaebum he’s going to pick him up from the dorm in the evening.

“See you later, alligator.” Mark says in English and winks at him, turning to go, while Jaebum stares at him in confusion, having no idea what on earth does that even mean.

He doesn’t stop smiling though.

 

“I haven’t seen an actor who would say ‘I love you’ with a straighter face than that dude. Horrible acting.” Mark yawns, pushing an empty pack of potato chips off his sofa in the evening, when both of them crash at Mark’s place to watch some movie.

It’s not the first time anymore – after they meet in the stadium, movie nights become some sort of tradition to them; something they use as an excuse to enjoy each other’s company and avoid their responsibilities.

This evening, Jaebum is sitting on the floor with a can of beer they grabbed from the convenience store nearby, but he doesn’t want to agree with Mark’s comment. True, the acting is really crappy if he has to be honest, and he picked the movie only because it was his turn to choose and nothing else came into his mind; but his hiccup thanks to the drink is accompanied by a disapproving mumble nevertheless.

“I mean, there are many ways to show that you love a person, not only drooling all over them with dramatic confessions.” He says, already regretting opening his mouth, because Mark looks at him with a curious gaze in his eyes. Jaebum turns his eyes to the walls of Mark’s room to avoid the stare.

It’s a small apartment in one of the complexes near the campus, nothing fancy, considering Mark uses this place only to sleep, as he says. The only room in the apartment is the one they’re now in, accompanied by a few pieces of furniture against light blue walls and a few photo frames on one of the windowsills. Jaebum assumes it’s Mark’s family, but never asks. It’s his main policy – don’t ask until someone tells stuff themselves; maybe that’s why he always expects the same from others.

Mark, however, is quick to break this infamous policy, tilting his head so he could see his friend better, and Jaebum defensively adds, “Just because your face sucks at showing it doesn’t mean you don’t feel it, I thought everyone knows it. Where did the _let’s love not in words, but in actions_ go?”

Maybe his abrupt speech sounds a little too heated, because Mark says, “Sounds like you have a story or two to tell about that.”

Jaebum opens his mouth to protest, because _he definitely doesn’t have any stories to tell_ – what can a college guy ignoring his own past in hopes for it to stop bugging him tell? But the only sound that leaves his lips is a sigh.

Jaebum is tired, so, so tired – everything’s too overwhelming for him, his last conversation with Youngjae is still ringing in his ears late at night when he can’t sleep even two weeks later.

The movie they’re watching tonight used to be Youngjae’s favorite.

“I’m not the only one who has ever loved someone.” Jaebum says, finishing his can of beer and putting it aside. “There are many people to tell you the same story or two.”

“What happened?” Mark’s question is simple, yet careful, encouraging to share his burdens. Ironically enough, it only cuts deep into Jaebum’s bones, because telling it out loud would mean admitting that he fucked up.

Jaebum doesn’t like to talk about his fuckups.

It feels like nothing has really settled in his head yet, it’s still too fresh even months later because there never was a full stop to it, there was never an ending. But at the same time, Jaebum is so exhausted from keeping it in, that it feels like he will eventually explode in his own pent up anger and misery if he won’t tell it someone. Maybe that someone will tell him it’s okay; perhaps Mark will say it’s not Jaebum’s fault – things like that happen and it’s normal.

“Typical story, actually.” Jaebum sighs once again, looking somewhere at Mark’s shoulder instead of his eyes. It feels more comfortable that way. “Two guys spend their teen years together, fall in love, then spend three years dating, eventually get sick of each other and they break up. We broke up after I said I’m going to the States.”

Mark nods, thinking he understands what went down in this story. “He’s one of those? Told you to choose between him and your future or something?”

But he’s wrong; Jaebum shakes his head, picking on a loose thread coming from the sleeve of his sweater. “The opposite. He wanted me to pursue whatever I wanted. He _wanted_ me to go here.” Jaebum breathes in before letting the thought that’s been haunting him for the past weeks slip off his lips. “Then I realized that he’s only sending me off so there would be an excuse to break up later, and…”

“And you think it’s unfair.” Mark concludes. By now, he’s joined Jaebum on the floor; the movie they were supposed to be watching is echoing in the room without anyone paying much attention to it. It starts raining again, but both of the guys don’t hear even the raindrops drumming into windows.

Jaebum doesn’t know what he was going to say about his feelings, but yes, now that Mark says it like that… It definitely feels unfair, he would’ve preferred Youngjae telling it right into his face – that he’s tired, that he wants to try meeting someone new. And he also feels stupid, because he knew what was happening and still let it happen.

They had obvious problems, he and Youngjae. They fought, they were breaking up and getting back together every few days; even Jinyoung who wasn’t even in the country was silently waiting for the news one day, that this is it, this breakup is final.

And then one day, during one of their fights, Jaebum absent-mindedly yelled out that if Youngjae is so sick of him, he has some great news – he’s going to Los Angeles to study.

Jaebum wasn’t thinking about his studies that moment, not seriously, and Los Angeles was definitely not a part of his plans – but sometimes he can be childish and sort of manipulative, hoping that yelling out the farthest country from Korea will scare Youngjae into trying to save those bits of the relationship they still had left. But even though Youngjae did look stunned back then, a little out of breath in surprise about his boyfriend not telling such an important piece of information earlier, Jaebum, to his own horror, was bound to watch how his words backfired.

He could see _relief_ in Youngjae’s eyes.

“So you decided to stick to your plan, which wasn’t really a plan, so you wouldn’t seem like a dramatic manipulative loser.” Mark says and Jaebum gets a little surprised at how nonchalant and non-judging he sounds; or at how during this entire monologue Mark never asks anything, just goes with the flow and makes his own conclusions, which seem about right.

“Not a loser. I just didn’t want for it to be an empty threat or something.” Jaebum mumbles, thinking that he really could use another can of beer, or maybe something even stronger.

That’s what he asks Mark, and the latter wordlessly comes back from his kitchen with half a bottle of vodka left unfinished after the last time he had friends over.

Jaebum gratefully takes a shot when Mark asks, “So let me guess, he told a long distance relationship won’t work out and then he dumped you.” but everything was far more complicated.

“He wouldn’t have minded a long distance relationship… just not with me.” Jaebum bitterly smiles hearing the echo of Youngjae’s words as if the guy would’ve told them just now. “He told me there’s no point in one when we both hate each other so much.”

Mark whistles – telling that to someone _is_ pretty cruel, no matter how mad you are.

“He also told…” Jaebum needs a second to get himself together. “He also told that we’re so out of it, it wouldn’t take two weeks while I’m away for us to find someone else. He really thought I’d cheat and that he would, too.”

“And would you?” Mark’s question lingers in the air as if Jaebum wouldn’t have asked this himself thousands of times.

He _doesn’t know_ , that’s the reason why he’s feeling like shit now. The fact that he couldn’t and still can’t answer “no” immediately scares him. Given what they had with Youngjae back then, coupled with him moving to Los Angeles…

Jaebum doesn’t know. The answer isn’t yes, but it isn’t no, either.

“Well, it’s almost eight weeks in and I still haven’t, did I?” he says. Mark only laughs and Jaebum is aware of why he’s laughing – these words don’t mean anything in these circumstances.

He’s not with Youngjae anymore, so it can be eight, ten, fifteen weeks or even years and it still wouldn’t change a thing. The point remains neither proved nor unproved to bother Jaebum until he finally musters all his courage up and talks about it with his former lover, or finds a magic way to get it out of his head.

Weighing both possibilities, Jaebum thinks he’s fucked, softly speaking.

“He came to see me off, though.” He adds, feeling his tongue loosen, mostly thanks to another few shots he downs with Mark as the conversation goes way deeper than he would ever be comfortable with if he was completely sober. “I didn’t expect anyone else except my parents, but Youngjae ditched his shift in a local supermarket where he part-timed during summers and came to the airport.”

In Mark’s opinion this could’ve ended it only two possible scenarios – a nasty public fight or a very sentimental goodbye; and it truly was somewhat a mix of those two. Minus the fight – but it still was a little awkward, as if Youngjae would’ve felt a duty to say goodbye to him. They hadn’t spoken ever since the day they fought, making it two months at the time, and Jaebum didn’t even know if they really broke up or not that day.

All Youngjae said was wishing him a safe flight, then they hugged each other, and Jaebum had to go. That’s it – no “let’s break up”, “we’re better off as friends”, not even “I don’t want to see you anymore after today”, nothing. That was the end, but Jaebum felt like it wasn’t really and that thought continues to haunt him.

“So that’s why you’re like that.” Mark says. His speech is a little strange by now, word endings loose and slurry, but his mind feels clear nevertheless, finally finding the matching key to the mystery box that Jaebum is.

“Like what?” Jaebum’s question is followed by another shot and him disappointedly lifting the vodka bottle to confirm it’s about to become empty soon. Now that he finally got it out of himself, Jaebum only wants to numb the pain, clean the metaphorical wounds with alcohol and knock himself out.

“All sad and shit, blaming everyone for everything. You don’t hate the States, you don’t hate anyone here. You would hate it anywhere, even if you were home now. _Especially_ being home. You go around blaming the weather for how you feel, but it’s really just you being mad at yourself, not even at Youngjae.”

Mark’s words are met with deadly silence. Jaebum is sure he never asked Mark to be his armchair psychologist, he never asked for this genius idea to be said out loud – because deep inside already knew it. This country makes him mad only because he can’t be following Youngjae with his eyes in the cafeteria of their university back at home; the food here doesn’t suck that much, it simply reminds him of those times when he and Youngjae used to make food together.

Los Angeles isn’t making him feel small and powerless – Youngjae’s words are.

It took only half of bottle of vodka for him to accept this, and Jaebum is a little disappointed that he’s so damn simple.

“Want to know a secret?” Mark suddenly says. Before, he’s been leaning his head against the sofa with his eyes closed as if he would be dead tired, but now he’s sitting almost straight, eyes open and completely awake.

“Sure.” Jaebum gets a little surprised, but the alcohol continues to kick in, and he’s just described his tragic love life in detail to Mark, so he can definitely listen in return.

“My ex dumped me because he knocked a girl up.” Mark says in flat tone, as if he’d be reading morning news. If Jaebum’s being honest, it makes his jaw drop not so subtly, because that’s way worse than what happened to him. At least he and Youngjae weren’t _that_ messy.

“How… What the fuck happened?”

It’s Mark’s turn to bitterly smile and only then, after almost a month of seeing his friend’s presence every day, Jaebum is finally able to tell the difference between the usual every day Mark Tuan and Mark Tuan at 3 AM. It’s barely noticeable, just the way his lip corners aren’t tugged up in a grin and his eyes look like a deer’s in headlights.

“He was straight and just wanted to see how it feels to date a dude. Then boom, one day I got the news. He didn’t even bother to tell me that in person, just sent one of his friends to deal with it.”

“That’s… fucked up.” For a second words get stuck in Jaebum’s throat. “I’m sorry.”

Mark shakes his head, taking the entire bottle to empty out its contents for good, but he’s unlucky with even that – Jaebum has gotten to the bottle first a few moments earlier, so Mark only raises the bottle and looks through it as if trying to inspect something. “Why are _you_ feeling sorry?” He mumbles. “Don’t sweat about it. I’ll live.”

“Is it the guy you named me after in that party back then? Kevin?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, fuck Kevin then.”

Mark starts chuckling after spotting an immediate hatred towards the said guy coloring Jaebum’s eyes even darker than they already are naturally. It’s cute, although Mark wishes there was a magic ability to transfer Jaebum’s emotions to him.

He’d also like to hate Kevin – hate is better than this emptiness in his heart; _anything_ would be better than a feeling like his heart would be dropped into vacuum and is about to be torn into pieces any time now.

Jaebum finds this laughter rather sad; everything starts mixing into one weird mashup of two broken hearts, the alcohol they drank tonight and ending credits of the movie they were supposed to be watching – so Jaebum, feeling a little dizzy from all of it does the only thing his brain can come up with.

He places a peck on Mark’s cheek.

Mark doesn’t look surprised for some reason, not because he was expecting it to happen – he’s simply _okay_ with the kiss, just lifts his hand to trace the spot, as if to make fully sure it really happened.

Jaebum’s eyes are a little glassy when Mark finally looks at him, much like Mark’s were when they first met. But those eyes are not shy, Jaebum’s not burning in embarrassment and Mark nods at it like he’d be approving, acknowledging the fact that this happened and they both are aware of it.

And then Mark returns the kiss.

Mark’s lips are a little wet, Jaebum thinks when it hits his, but they’re warm nevertheless. He finds it slightly weird and confusing, tasting alcohol both on his own and Mark’s tongue at the same time; but it’s an acceptable kind of weird, that kind of weird where Jaebum leans in and deepens the kiss for a few seconds before Mark pulls away, a little frantically.

If he wasn’t surprised by Jaebum’s peck on the cheek, Mark’s definitely surprised at himself kissing the guy on the lips.

Jaebum isn’t.

He doesn’t see Mark anymore, just like Mark eventually stops seeing Jaebum. That’s why doing such things drunk is better, in their humble opinion – your conscience and sane mind turn off and you don’t need to think.

Do now, regret later – if this was a game, Mark and Jaebum would share a high score together. But if someone asked Jaebum, he’d say he regrets so many things in his life, one more won’t make any difference.

It’s not your cliché moment where Jaebum wouldn’t feel how his lips automatically reach for Mark’s again, because conveniently there’s no other way this night can end – no. Jaebum makes a conscious decision and Mark accepts it, and it doesn’t even remotely remind of anything romantic.

Everything feels a little _too_ clear for Jaebum, even though he kind of hoped that alcohol will tone all the senses down a little – he feels the pain from Mark’s slightly chapped lips brushing against his; the sounds their lips are making are strangely loud, the sharp sting in his neck when Mark drags him closer a bit too suddenly shoots through his entire body; the faint smell of Mark’s perfume when they transport themselves on the sofa and Mark is lying on top of him, kissing his neck, makes Jaebum’s nose stuffy.

One thought, however, doesn’t leave him alone no matter how drunk is. Their awkward movements, the way he almost throws Mark off himself, because the latter’s hands are too cold, or how Mark almost stabs him in the eye after an uncoordinated attempt to get a grip on his neck - it’s all so new, so… foreign.

Like he’d doing it for the first time.

Maybe Youngjae was right after all, Jaebum thinks, feeling Mark’s hands sliding down to his pants and how his own hips are eagerly jolting up in a way that has nothing to do with the fact that he’s a young adult who hasn’t had sex in a while.

Jaebum _would_ have found someone else.

When that realization finally sinks in, Mark is already done jacking him off and asking, “Can I ride you?”

Jaebum’s mind is a little cloudy, but he nods anyway, feeling how his mind dissociates from his body. Not in a bad way – he likes the feeling of being inside Mark, the feeling of how tight Mark’s ass feels around his dick; he likes the sight of Mark moving up and down with his eyes closes and moaning.

But his mind is far, far away from this apartment – it’s back in Seoul, where it should belong, but at the same time it really shouldn’t. He doesn’t think he could be blamed for it though, not when Mark comes moaning a name that certainly isn’t Jaebum’s.

Youngjae, however, was completely wrong about one thing – Jaebum would’ve found someone else in the States, but that doesn’t mean he wouldn’t have regretted it later, because it drags him into too much shit nobody can handle.

But that’s for the morning.

 

Jaebum wakes up first, with a headache congratulating him on being stupid enough to mix beer and vodka together and making him feel like someone would’ve been smashing plates at his head for the entire last night.

It’s way after midday, if he can trust his guts after sparing a glance through the window of Mark’s living room. The blonde guy is soundly sleeping besides him in the cramped space on the sofa; his eyelashes are slightly fluttering and he’s lightly smiling, so Jaebum knows he’s dreaming something nice and lets him sleep a little bit more, rolling out of the sofa and heading the bathroom to wash up.

The sight he sees in a mirror isn’t quite presentable – his eyes are a bit swollen and bloodshot from restless sleep. His dark hair is messy like he wouldn’t have brushed them for a week, and he’s in a desperate need of a shower and a cup of coffee to start functioning properly.

Mark definitely won’t mind him taking a shower here, Jaebum’s done that countless of times during his sleepovers when he’s too lazy or too broke to fetch a cab to the dorm after their movie nights; but only when water hits Jaebum’s skin like hundreds of hot needles, the weight of this particular sleepover finally sinks in with full force.

Jaebum has absolutely no idea why he feels this shitty about what happened – he’s not in a relationship anymore, he and Mark are adults who both chose to do what they did; but the memories of last night make him feel dirty nevertheless, no matter how hard he tries to scrub his skin raw with Mark’s shower gel that smells of lemons ridiculously a lot like the one he’s always used back at home.

Maybe it’s because Jaebum finally found out the answer to the question he’s been asking himself these past months, maybe it’s because the answer scares him as much as the question did. Or maybe, just _maybe_ because it has a snowball effect and raises a lot more new questions.

Is he a terrible human being for knowing that he would’ve slept with Mark even if he still was in a relationship? Was he so transparent that it’s never been hard to tell how it’s about to end, so Youngjae saved himself from a heartbreak?

His inner monologue is interrupted by Mark knocking on the door of the bathroom asking if he’s okay, because it’s been half an hour since Jaebum turned the water off. Jaebum’s voice is raspy when he tells Mark to wait a little and his smile is weak when the blonde looks at him as they’re passing by each other while Jaebum is heading to the kitchen for coffee.

None of them mention anything yet, but Mark looks just as devastated as Jaebum does.

Jaebum makes two cups of coffee and leaves one in the kitchen for Mark, then returns to the living room and shoves a handful of leftover potato chips in his mouth to occupy his rumbling stomach until he gets home.

After that, he decides to check his phone, which is a mistake number one. Mostly because there are two missed calls from Youngjae, both made around the time when was it supposed to be 11 PM in Seoul, so 6 AM in Los Angeles, and Jaebum doesn’t know how to feel about it.

“What are you looking at?” Mark’s voice is both a salvation and a nightmare to Jaebum, who lifts his eyes from the phone and looks at the guy, who’s now drying his hair with a towel.

“Youngjae called.” Jaebum decides to be honest, and he’s a little surprised how unfazed Mark is by it, uncaringly throwing the damp towel onto the sofa.

“And what did he want?”

However, Jaebum can only shake his head like a complete loser, because that’s how he feels at the moment. “I don’t know. It was 6 AM, I didn’t hear it.”

“So that’s what it was.” Mark loudly notes from the kitchen after Jaebum adds that his cup of coffee is waiting there. “I thought I heard your phone vibrating, but probably fell asleep again. Sorry.”

However, there’s nothing to apologize for, it’s not Mark’s fault. Jaebum just didn’t expect Youngjae to truly stick to his words and call back later, even if it’s after a few weeks; and if anything, Jaebum brought this on himself by calling first.

He stares at a void in front of him for a while, hand still tightly clutching the phone, not sure how to continue with the rest of the day, until Mark returns from the kitchen with two quickly made sandwiches and Jaebum proceeds to make the second mistake.

“About last night…” He slowly starts, already regretting his decision to speak up, as he sees how Mark nearly chokes on his coffee, because he didn’t expect this talk so early, if at all.

“It’s all cool.” Mark says after he stops coughing. He’s avoiding Jaebum’s stare, and the latter knows that there’s nothing cool about it. “Don’t worry about it.”

Jaebum nods, but he is fully aware of the fact that he’s not worried about _last_ night. He’s more worried about the nights that will follow; they both know it will happen again dozens of times and it freaks them both out.

It scares them in a way how starting from that night they always end up fucking whenever they’re alone and completely wasted, call each other by the wrong names and pretend that there’s absolutely nothing wrong with it the morning after. It scares Mark how easily they both accept the reason behind their relationship and never question it; it scares Jaebum how eventually they need less and less alcohol to shut their conscience up for good – and how he once jerks Mark off in a library when they’re studying, because they just don’t care about anything anymore.

It terrifies them, because they slowly are coming to a realization that it’s the only way they know for them to shatter themselves into pieces and assemble each other back into perfect little figures again; the only way to feel something else but misery.

Jaebum doesn’t call Youngjae back.

 

(They almost talk about it once.

It’s when Jaebum wakes up a little too late for his class and Mark is still lazing around in bed. The blonde, unlike his lover, has only one class in afternoon that day and is quite grateful for it – Mark’s muscles are a little sore. Jaebum was kind of rough that night, even more than usually, so Mark would like to sleep a bit more.

Jaebum comes back into the room barefoot, about to ask if Mark has seen his socks, but he’s a bit too absent-minded, telling, “Youngjae, have you—“

He stops midsentence, and for a second it looks like Mark, still cuddled into bedsheets will say something; for a second his eyes looks like they’re made out of metal, glimmering in disbelief.

But all he says is, “Your socks are in the washing machine, you can take a pair of mine.” and pulls a blanket over his head, so he wouldn’t need to see the guy until he leaves with a backhanded bye.

And that’s how they never touch this topic again.)

 

“You look horrible, dude.” Jinyoung says one evening, when after weeks of trying to pick a time that would fit both of theirs crazy schedules topped with sixteen hours of time difference, Jaebum can finally see his friend’s concerned frown in his phone.

Jinyoung is trying to figure out whether it’s only his camera pulling tricks on him, but it’s not the camera’s fault, Jaebum can tell him that.

In theory, he knows how awful he looks.

Jaebum would need to be blind not to notice how over the past few weeks his eye circles darkened even more and how the frown on his forehead only deepened. How his cheekbones are getting more and more prominent not in a good way, and how sometimes he’s too tired to even leave his bed, balancing on the edge of being called out by university administration for all the classes he’s skipped.

In theory, Jaebum knows that the way he looks is the reason why he always lies to his parents about his phone camera being broken, so he wouldn’t need to show himself to them every time they talk.

Theory aside, however, Jaebum still chooses to ignore it.

“Hello to you too.” He says instead. “Expected something else after whole three months of barely seeing your face, but I guess this will have to do the thing.”

A chuckle unwilling escapes Jinyoung’s lips, both because he already knew Jaebum isn’t going to reply to this in any other way, and because of the sarcasm in his friend’s voice he missed hearing so much. It never took much for Jaebum to make Jinyoung laugh, so they let the topic slide for the moment, chattering and trying to catch up with everything they haven’t said to each other yet in those few messages they exchange every few days.

And that’s a whole lot – how happy Jinyoung feels in Beijing, how he thinks he’s finally found his path in life while volunteering in an organization which tries to organize at least some educational activities for kids from poor families. How Jinyoung met this another student, Jackson, in the same organization, and what great friends they’ve become.

Jaebum is genuinely happy hearing that, he truly is – his heart swells with pride when Jinyoung tells he’s been offered an internship in China, but at the same time… He’s a little bitter, because his own life isn’t leading anywhere and he can only blame himself for that. Because he’s slowly sinking in his madness and dragging Mark together, and the latter simply puts on his best smile and plays along.

Jinyoung quickly understands what’s going on, he stops in the middle of a story how he got lost in Taiwan during his short holiday and how the said Jackson Wang rescued his ass while still being in China, and notes, “You’re quiet today.”

“I’m listening.” Jaebum quickly assures, but he’s lying – he doesn’t even remember the last sentence his friend said, and Jinyoung isn’t a person who couldn’t see through his lies.

“What’s going on?”

Jaebum doesn’t know how to respond.

By the time this conversation is happening, his life has become too uneventful to even think that something could be “going on”, too messed up to bother telling anything to anyone.

It’s all the same nowadays, maybe in varying sequence, but the same events happening all over again nevertheless, like his life would be put on a loop without any possibility to escape. Wake up after a few hours of restless sleep, maybe go to classes if you don’t feel like you’re about to collapse, fuck Mark after classes and listen how he’s moaning Kevin’s name, all that while constantly thinking about what Choi Youngjae is doing at the moment. Eat a bite or two somewhere in between these activities, and that’s it.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

That’s what his life is now, and that’s how it’s going to be for a long time.

“Have you talked to Youngjae recently?” Jaebum can hear how deep Jinyoung’s sigh is. It cuts into his ears through earphones, signaling that his friend is about to either snap or enter his lecturing mode, but he doesn’t care. He doesn’t really care about anything anymore – perhaps that’s why he’s so down for cutting his old wounds open.

Maybe he would feel something that way.

“I don’t think you should be interested in that.” Jinyoung’s voice, surprisingly, is patient and calm, at least trying to be so. Jinyoung and Youngjae are friends, fused together by Jaebum, and they stayed that way even after the entire shitstorm ensued, so Jinyoung always felt like he’s be caught in crossfire. “Mark—“

“Mark what?” Jaebum asks, tone sharp.

Jinyoung also knows about Mark, the basic info he managed to get from Jaebum during those rare times when the latter was willing to talk about it. Not everything, of course, just the main scheme – Mark Tuan exists, they met at a party, Jaebum is in some sort of a relationship with him, everything’s fine.

“People are not eggs.” Jinyoung starts, and Jaebum almost chokes on air.

“Eggs?” He incredulously asks. Jinyoung has this habit, he gets all metaphorical and deep sometimes thanks to all the books he’s reading; usually, Jaebum is the same, considering Jinyoung picked up the reading habit from him, but this time even he can’t figure out what’s hiding behind this sentence.

Eventually it makes sense though, and Jaebum hates it.

“You can’t keep breaking people and expect to replace them with a carton of new ones, that’s it.” Jinyoung explains. Internet connection glitches for a second, his words are cut off right after he says that Jaebum can’t keep breaking people, and it makes the latter angry.

“Breaking people? Who have I ever broken?” He asks, feeling how bitterness is finally kicking in full force now that he isn’t trying to hide it anymore.

“Do you think Youngjae is really all that cool everything what happened? Do you think nothing ever got to him?”

Jaebum doesn’t know, Youngjae has never showed it – whenever they fought, he always had this blank expression on his face, and only his raised voice would tell something’s wrong. Jaebum realizes that his friend might have a point nevertheless.

By the time they broke up, they felt more like mere strangers who accidentally ended up in the same space rather than lovers; To Jaebum, Youngjae felt so different from the boy he once fell in love with, so he probably wouldn’t have even blinked even if Youngjae yelled how hurt he was right at his face.

But Jaebum is stupid. And too stubborn to admit that he might’ve fucked up once again. “So what? What does it have to do with me?”

Jinyoung sighs. “Everything. I can’t imagine it makes Mark feel very well when all you think about is Youngjae. He _does_ know about him, right?”

“Well, he’s constantly imagining he’s fucking his ex while he’s with me, so I don’t think there’s a problem.”

“ _Oh_.” Jinyoung is rarely surprised when it comes to anything Jaebum related, they’ve been through a lot of stupid situations; this piece of information, however, makes him kind of shocked. “Listen. I don’t know what’s going on there with you all, but I can already tell it’s fucked up beyond saving.”

Jaebum wants to hang up, but doesn’t know how to do that without hurting Jinyoung’s feelings, so he only shrugs. “I’m fine with the current situation, Mark is too—“

“Have you ever asked him that?”

Jaebum hasn’t.

They don’t talk about their feelings with each other, they barely talk at all – nowadays they simply meet up for a quick fuck whenever one of them needs some. Sometimes they hang out together in the library or go out to eat, but that’s it. Jaebum isn’t even sure what Mark is up to these days. Or weeks, perhaps.

“And you still wonder what I mean about breaking people?” Jinyoung asks, but Jaebum decides that the question is rhetorical. This way he won’t need to think about the answer too much.

He comes up with a lie that he has an important lecture early in the morning and should go to sleep; the video call ends in a few more minutes. Jinyoung doesn’t say “see you soon” like he always does and Jaebum doesn’t even try to pretend he doesn’t know why Jinyoung’s smile looks so sad when he hangs up.

 

(Sometimes Jaebum thinks he genuinely likes Mark.

During those times when Mark’s smile is wide enough to be accepted as genuine; during those times when they only watch movies and try to catch up on homework. During those times when they pretend that everything’s alright and when the reason behind Jaebum’s smiles is something silly Mark does.

“What’s that for?” Mark asks, when Jaebum once steals a chaste kiss from him as they’re watching TV in Mark’s apartment.

“No reason.” Jaebum laughs, wondering why today he’s in such a good mood, but his smiles aren’t meant to last.

“Did you kiss Youngjae like that too?”

Most of the time though, Jaebum feels like he hates Mark’s guts.

And yet they can’t escape each other, like they’d be magnets unavoidably sticking together.)

 

Jaebum has always thought that if the day when he breaks up with Mark comes, it’s going to happen much like it happened with Youngjae. They will fight, one of them will say something they don’t mean and then everything will explode into thousands of glass shards, sticking into their bodies and leaving them to bleed out.

It doesn’t happen like that, and perhaps it’s thanks to Jinyoung.

Ironically, it happens when Jaebum is genuinely trying to be nice for a change.

“How are you?” he asks one afternoon when Mark comes over to his dorm. Jaebum’s roommate is gone somewhere, so when Mark got the message, he thought it’s pretty clear what they’re going end up doing. It’s not really a surprise that this kind of question confuses Mark.

“What?”

“I asked how are you.”

Mark’s confusion doesn’t subside, so he tries to brush it off by plopping onto Jaebum’s bed and shrugging. “Okay, I guess. But why are you asking this all of a sudden? It’s not like you gave a damn ever before.”

Mark’s sarcasm and irony kind of hurts Jaebum, but then again – taking everything in consideration, he’d probably be surprised too if Mark asked him the same. It’s unhealthy and dysfunctional, their relationship, they both know that, it’s especially clear at times like this, when such simple and mundane questions suddenly ruin the flow of their short meetings.

“So are we going to fuck or not, I have archery practice at 5 PM.” Mark impatiently says, because he doesn’t want to talk anymore, and it results in Jaebum frowning even more.

“Archery practice?”

“Yeah, I’ve been training for the past few weeks. Didn’t tell you, you wouldn’t have been interested anyway.”

“I probably wouldn’t have.” Jaebum agrees, and his voice sounds extremely sad.

They don’t fuck that afternoon.

They simply lie down on Jaebum’s bed together in complete silence, with Mark snuggled in Jaebum’s arms. They’re not really sure who suggested it, or was there even a suggestion at all - perhaps they end up like this naturally, and in a way, Jaebum feels like he did that night when he and Mark slept together for the first time.

He feels _too much_.

He feels how Mark’s now red hair is tickling his chin; the way Mark is holding his hand on Jaebum’s, and how his shoulder gets warmer every time Mark breathes out, as the guy is lying with his back turned to Jaebum, as if trying to hide his face.

Jaebum can’t tell which one feels stranger – that night or this afternoon; they’ve never lied down together like this before. Without any other intentions, without any need to touch each other.

After minutes of silence trying to get used to each other bodies Mark suddenly asks, “What do you think is the scariest when you love someone?” His voice is barely audible and he’s still refusing to look at Jaebum, but the latter can feel how fast his heart is beating.

It’s a familiar feeling to Jaebum, he’s felt that – when he was a kid, he used to spend his summers at his grandparents’ place. Once, a very stupid and confused bird flew right into their window and Jaebum took it into his palm to see if the bird is still alive. He doesn’t remember what bird that was, maybe a sparrow or something, but he’ll forever remember the feeling of its heartbeat – so frantic and scared.

Mark’s heart is beating the same now.

It takes a while for him to come up with an answer though, but in the end, it slides off his tongue so easily, Jaebum thinks it’s been there for quite a while now, waiting to be told. “The scariest love is… when you feel lonely loving someone.”

Mark lets out a breath he’s been holding in. He knows what Jaebum has in mind, perhaps he would’ve told the same thing. “Have you?” he asks again, but his voice trembles a little and he has to cough to hide the shakiness in it. “Have you ever felt lonely?”

Jaebum doesn’t respond immediately, but when he does, it contains all the demons he’s tried to drown for the past months. “Every day for the past few years. You fall in love and it’s all glitter and fairytales, until the spark just dies down. And then you either try to save it or you suffer. Sometimes both. You stay together, but it feels the same like you’d talk to a wall. Eventually, you get sick of it, you get scared of it, you can’t eat anymore, you can’t stop thinking about it until you mind just collapses. And then you feel lonely. No matter how many people there are around you, the more people, the lonelier you feel.”

Mark doesn’t say anything for a while, Jaebum feels only his uneven breathing as he’s trying to get himself together.

“Today would’ve been one year anniversary.” Mark whispers in the end, and Jaebum finally realizes what it is all about. Surprisingly, it makes him sad – he’s not jealous or hurt; all Jaebum feels is true, genuine sympathy, because even though the backstory is different, they’re both in the same sinking boat.

“You must’ve loved him a lot.” Jaebum tells instead of ridiculous accusations and arguments, softly drawing soothing ornaments on Mark’s back with his fingers.

It’s Jaebum’s tender touch that breaks Mark this time.

He finally allows himself to cry, even though still ridiculously trying to hide his tears by pressing his face against Jaebum’s shoulder. It doesn’t help though – there’s too many tears running down his face, finally running into freedom after being held inside so firmly for so long. “I did. Sometimes I think I still do and it scares me.” Mark chokes out in between sobs.

Jaebum understands. Even if he’s trying to hide it, his heart is crying too.

They share the same pain, maybe that’s why they got stuck together ever since that party – Jaebum thought it was only his instinct to stay with someone who speaks his language, but he didn’t know that this particular language was pain.

The same pain of a broken heart is what made them try to see how many buttons they can push before they snap in halves; try to count how many times Jaebum has to absent-mindedly call Mark Youngjae and how many times Mark can talk about Kevin like the best thing that’s happened in his life in front of Jaebum, sometimes openly comparing them.

Mark doesn’t go to his archery practice at 5 PM, he actually hates archery – just that he always imagined the target being his heart. He thought that the more arrows he shoots at it himself, the less it would hurt when others do so, but he’s wrong.

There’s no need for any more arrows – they just need to make sure Jaebum will softly take out the ones that are already there. After Mark falls asleep, feeling tired from crying, Jaebum takes the guy’s phone and text his coach that he’s extremely sick today.

Later, when Jaebum’s sure that his roommate won’t be back for the night and occupies Walter’s bed, letting Mark sleep in his, as he’s still not woken up, Jaebum writes a long text message to Youngjae and after hitting the “send” button deletes all the contact info from his phone.

Because Jinyoung is right – even if what happened with him and Youngjae hurt him, he doesn’t have the right to hurt others.

For the first time in months, Jaebum falls asleep at peace.

For the first time in months, Mark dreams he’s a kid again.

When Mark was a kid, he wanted to be a doctor. To treat hearts, specifically.

Not because he was super interested in medicine or saving lives, though. He wanted to be another kind of heart doctor – Mark wanted to make people’s hearts happy. When his parents bought him his first toy stethoscope and his sister made him a doctor’s ID from baby blue colored paper, he didn’t take them off, proudly listening to everyone’s hearts with his toy and trying to decide whether they sound happy enough or not. If not, he’d prescribe a treatment – most often, a bar of chocolate, a hug or something along those lines.

As time went by and he grew up, Mark started realizing that there are some things hugs and chocolate can’t help, so he started thinking about more practical things, and never thought about such stuff ever again until he got his heart crushed into dust.

He had spent countless nights awake thinking about how great it would be if someone could snap their fingers and pain would be gone; how great it would be if he could fill the emptiness inside with people as if trying them on like clothes – he’s done that, actually, for a while, before realizing it won’t help him do anything but hate himself even more.

He hardly looked better than Jaebum when this entire ordeal took place – he never was anywhere near being considered not skinny, but it got even worse over the months, and it felt like his body is constantly aching everywhere.

But then Jaebum finally snapped him into pieces and put them back together. Not in a way they both wanted, not even in a _decent_ way, but sometimes you have to reach the rock bottom before soaring up.

Of course, the final result is far for perfect, time doesn’t heal scars this quickly, and some of those scars will never go away – but he’s both surprised and thankful that it doesn’t feel as terrible as he thought it would when Jaebum the next morning says it’s better for them to spend some time separately, let each other breathe.

Winter holidays are nearing, Jaebum is taking that time to return home anyway, so it’s more than perfect.

It’s different from the way Jaebum breaks up with Youngjae – there are no nasty fights, no harsh words. Just a comforting pat on Jaebum’s shoulder from Mark, and a tight hug from Jaebum.

This time it’s relieving, almost serene.

 

Winter holidays pass by way too quickly if someone asked Jaebum. It seemed like he just landed in Incheon and hugged his parents, trying to ignore his mother’s nagging about how skinny he looks and about how he’s an ungrateful little bastard for not calling more often, but he only blinked and it’s time to hug them goodbye again.

This time Jinyoung comes to see him off, he has a longer holiday and is staying in Korea for a few more weeks; things are cool between them again once Jaebum admits he was being an asshole.

“Jaebum?” He says after a moment of hesitation, when Jaebum is about to go through a security check.

“Yeah?”

Jinyoung takes something out and shoves it into his friend’s pocket. “I met Youngjae a few days ago… he thought you might want it back, it belonged to you, anyway.”

Jaebum doesn’t need to check what is it, he knows – it’s a bracelet his grandfather got him for his eighteenth birthday, and which he re-gifted to Youngjae for their 2nd anniversary. His grandfather told that it’s a bracelet his late grandmother gave him, so Jaebum should also give it to a special person later.

At the time, Youngjae was the one to fit the definition.

“Tell him I said thanks.” his lips corners tug up and Jinyoung sighs in relief. “And tell him I hope he’s doing well.”

A bit more than thirteen hours later Jaebum is trying his best not to curse out loud in two languages, when his plane finally lands in Los Angeles. Thirteen hours in the economy class made his back feel like it’s on fire, and his brain is dead after listening to a baby screaming right into his ear the entire time. Now, typically, a handle of one of his suitcases is about to snap off, because his mother packed way too many clothes for him, no matter how hard he tried to resist.

At this point, Jaebum, feeling like he’d be here for the first time again, trying to follow the English signs to exit into the nearest taxi parking lot, is seriously considering the opportunity to screw everything and simply pass out to sleep for a while until he has enough strength to walk, because he still hasn’t even exited the arrivals hall, yet he feels like he would’ve been walking for three days straight.

“You could’ve just called if you knew you’ll need help getting around.” Jaebum gets startled hearing someone so near him, but he immediately calms down, because the voice is way too familiar.

It’s Mark.

During those few weeks while Jaebum was in Korea, it looks like Mark has both changed and remained the same. Mostly everything is the same about him actually, maybe just the hair that are now dark blonde again, and maybe his dark eye circles being mostly gone now, but it’s the way his gaze is warmer is different. The way he smiles wider and looks calmer is different. A good kind of different.

“How did you know when I’m coming back?” Jaebum asks, for a while forgetting they’re in an area full of people who are constantly bumping into them with their suitcases and not so subtly expressing their dissatisfaction about the two guys having a chitchat in a place so packed with people.

They haven’t talked for the most of these weeks. Mark sent a text once, asking if Jaebum has arrived to Seoul safely, and they chatted for a while, but soon it fizzled out and neither of them forced it. They definitely needed a break, and they both granted it for each other.

“Bribed Walter into telling me.” Mark laughs, and as Jaebum frowns, he adds. “He had no idea either, but then I convinced him that writing your friend Jinyoung might be worth a shot, and Jinyoung was more than willing to share the details, so.”

Jaebum smiles to himself – this explains why Jinyoung was all smiles the last couple of days and refused to tell why.

Mark takes one of Jaebum’s suitcases and off they go, chatting about how their holidays went, what’s good in Seoul and what’s new in their campus. The conversation is flowing so naturally, it feels incredibly good, and Jaebum thinks he misses it. They were like that in the beginning, when they had no idea about each other’s fuckups, and Jaebum cherishes those times. Mark does too.

Mark comes with him all the way till they reach Jaebum’s dorm room, but when invited inside, he shakes his head, saying he has stuff to do. Mainly to clean his apartment, because he’s moving into a bigger one and has rented the old one for some student who is supposed to move in tomorrow. Neither of them say it, but they know – the old one holds too many painful memories.

Before Mark leaves though, he turns around one more time, a little shy and even slightly blushing. “If it’s okay… If you want to…” Jaebum looks at him with a curious stare until he continues, “Maybe you’d like to, I don’t know, grab a cup of coffee sometime later? Like, properly this time, and stuff.”

Jaebum smiles, blushing just as much as Mark does. And then he nods. “Yeah, I’d… I’d like that. Properly.”

Mark says he’s going to call him later about that and Jaebum waves him off, looking how Mark’s back is getting further down the corridor to find an elevator. He’s smiling to himself, feeling how his heart slightly flutters and everything there eventually falls into right places.

A cup of coffee turns into three, then it turns into hanging out and playing basketball together; it turns into lazy weekends when Jaebum is reading books on Mark’s new sofa and the latter is lying down with his head in Jaebum’s lap shuffling through TV channels, because he finds Jaebum’s book taste boring. It turns into all the normal things they didn’t have the first time, it turns into all the natural steps they’ve skipped.

Sure, nothing is perfect and sometimes they still think they hate each other, but things somehow work out. Sometimes barely, balancing on a verge of another break up, but they still do.

One day, when Mark is doing his homework in Jaebum’s dorm room and Jaebum is cleaning his wardrobe, the latter finds the bracelet Youngjae gave him back in one of the pockets.

He’s totally forgotten about it, but by the time he knows what to do with it.

He reaches it out to Mark, who throws his textbooks away, wailing that one more page of econometrics and he’s dropping out, and the blonde’s eyes get bigger in surprise. “What is this?” He asks, and Jaebum only smiles.

“A souvenir from Korea I forgot to give you.”

Mark thanks him and asks if Jaebum can help to put it on, because he loves it.

The bracelet doesn’t leave Mark’s left wrist until he and Jaebum are both old, more than middle aged men, and he takes it off only to give it to his grandson during a family gathering, saying he should give it only to a very special person.

Jaebum, cradling his youngest granddaughter in his arms and listening to her babbling about some cartoon she saw on TV, hears Mark’s words and warmly smiles.

That’s it, that’s the ending he’s always wanted for themselves.

**Author's Note:**

> we at least have a happy ending, wow. so long story short, i probably won't be returning to ao3 to post anything till late june, because i'm graduating from uni and stuff and have a ton of papers to write; so i hope you like this one, and comments are always welcomed, i love reading those!


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